it’s the silliest best thing
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[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.