The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
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Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business