Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
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Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Search History:
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How to stop armored cats
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Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice