[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
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So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible