Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
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The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.