“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
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Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.