[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
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Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what