“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
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[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm