I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
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I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.