Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
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sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
dam girl
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.