[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
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Now this is how you LinkedIn
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.