[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
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It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Social Media and Real life
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”