I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
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I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
The Others (2001)
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
bad news gang
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.