Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
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dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?