My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
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You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist