Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
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Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
omg leave her alone
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested