Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
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Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.