We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
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*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
I see your IQ test came back negative
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.