My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
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Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
That’s classic.