Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
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this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Good Morning.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade