I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
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[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.