God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
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Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.