Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
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Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you