How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
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My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
THIS HEADLINE
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.