Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
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Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
LOL!
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*