If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
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true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
I can’t wait!
WHY would you be happy about this?
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
love pickles so much i put myself in one
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites