*skinny dips into black hole
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[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder