“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
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I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.