waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
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“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”