Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
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Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.