there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
You Might Also Like
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.