Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
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I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.