My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
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I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Social distancing in Australia:
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.