I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
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My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
I have so many questions.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
“HELP WITH CAT”
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
eggs benadryl
Don’t we all.