what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
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Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
need him
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.