[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
You Might Also Like
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
o shit
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”