If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
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Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Lol
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Running your mouth is not cardio.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker