I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
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*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance