[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
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Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again