Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
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Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Happy Taco Tuesday
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation