“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
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There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell