wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
You Might Also Like
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens