Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
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John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
New tinder profile pic
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.