Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
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Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay