*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
You Might Also Like
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool