i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
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me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!