Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
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netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.