Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
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When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
eggs benadryl
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all