Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
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If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Pickled cat.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.