Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
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Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance